So a little over a month ago this woman I was dating dumped me.
Last night I had a dream where she was telling someone that our breaking up was "mutual", and that "something" was the worst mistake she had made. I'm not sure, but, I think she meant that dating me was a mistake. Now what interpretation of subconscious crap can I make of that?
The emotional roller coaster has been tons better since I quit taking the clomid, so I can't blame the dream on that. I still get dewey eyed when I think about my late wife or my son, but, I'm not breaking out crying at weird times when they come to mind any more.
So why, a month later, am I still having dreams about a woman who lied to me about her feelings for me, to set me up, treat me badly on a day I am having a difficult emotional time anyway and then dump me the next day, just so I can add more crap memories to a bad day. I mean, I totally get that I was falling for her, but, I knew she was lying and I knew she was going to dump me (okay, I didn't guess she would wait for a pivotal emotional day). Why am I still dreaming about her? Especially weird dreams like "it was mutual", where the hell would that come from?
I don't want her back, sure, I want her and I do love her, but, I know that love is not and will not ever be returned and the only reason she would ever try to get back with me is to hurt me again. The love is all one sided and she is just added to a short list of women I have been in love with and broken up with. So why dream about something so weird?
Probably this woman would like nothing better than to make me feel so miserable I committed suicide, as if my personal belief structures would allow for such a thing. In any case, her primary motivation seems to have been to hurt me, emotionally, as much as was possible. Targeting me at a time I was particularly emotionally vulnerable and deliberately maximizing the pain on my dead son's birthday, and the day after. Blatantly continuing the lie even when I caught her lying red handed. I'd need self esteem lower than a snakes belly to even try and believe her crap.
So why the dream? I've always postulated the existence of a kind of energy field that connects all living things. Our thoughts are electro magnetic and exist outside of our heads, they can be picked up using Brain Computer Interfaces with super conductors. All of our thoughts are constantly being contributed to this huge interconnecting energy field and I think that sometimes we can access ideas, thoughts, emotions. I doubt if this weird dream is something associated with anything like that, but, I suppose it is possible.
I think it is more likely that this is based on some sub conscious feeling I am having. I keep telling myself I should have broken up with her on Christmas day. I spent Christmas eve with her and she was sweaty and tasted like another guy's cologne. We didn't have sex or anything, we just hung out and made out for a bit. Maybe this is just me, trying to convince myself that I took an active position instead of being so fricking, lamely, passive.
I'm pretty easy going these days. I don't like conflict and I try to avoid it, but, not to hard. If pushed I can become violent in some situations. As a result I try to avoid conflict and confrontation. I'd rather be passive and non-violent than hurt people any more, but, maybe, my sub-conscious is telling me that it has been so long, 2004, since I have been in a physical altercation, that I am ready to be more assertive without becoming violent. 10 years is the longest I have gone, ever, without being in a fight, and the longest I have gone since I was 16 without getting tossed in jail.
I'm told a life style change that goes on for 5 years is probably permanent so maybe this not being violent, not getting tossed in jail is a permanent life style change. Maybe I can be comfortable with being more assertive now, maybe I won't transition into violence any more. Truthfully, I would rather be a door mat than kill someone, but, maybe, what my sub-conscious is telling me is that there is a middle ground that I am ready to try walking.
I'll work on that, being more assertive without letting myself become violent. Maybe I am ready to be that guy these days. If I have a choice though, I'd rather be a door mat than become a violent asshole again.