Does failure make us more determined, or less determined?

Tonight I had a pretty good date. I've also been talking with another woman who is pretty cool, and might be a better fit. In any case I dragged my butt out of the doldrums and actually did something even though I feel it is too early for me to try dating after my fiasco.

I've been reflecting a lot on the last twenty years and how I ended up here. I spent so many years traveling around teaching people about software and machine tools, working with Universities doing research, government organizations doing testing and development and corporations doing manufacturing technology implementation that I feel like my entire world stopped on a dime when I got sick.

I went from going gang busters for years to not being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being winded and getting a horrible headache. From a “road warrior” diet I tried to keep healthy to a seriously heart healthy diet. From when I was at my worse in 2011 when I couldn't walk a hundred yards without getting sick to the spring of 2012 when I had worked up to a 3 mile walk and my ejection fraction was measured at 50% I worked my butt off at getting better physically. My heart still does crazy things, but, I am in a lot better shape than I was in the spring of 2011.  Getting better too.

Then my life got thrown for another loop, I went from a husband with a potentially terminal heart condition to a widower with a poor heart.

Then I went from homeowner to foreclosure and apartment dweller.

Then I tried dating. What a disaster. I thought fighting through the loss of previous 3 years had given me enough strength to handle dating, but, I got played by someone whose idea of fun was causing emotional pain.

So here I am, a recovering emotional and physical wreck trying to share something worthwhile with women I don't know. I was sitting, waiting for this woman tonight, and thinking “what the heck am I doing?” But, I had a good time with a woman who might be smarter than I am. I love talking with people who are smarter. There are a lot of people who think they are smart, and not very many who really are smart. It was pretty cool.

So, maybe I am recovering. Somewhat anyway.

For me, this is pretty unusual. If I fall for someone really hard I generally wait about a year before I start dating again, but, I have never been played like this before. In spite of being a recovering emotional and physical wreck, double the emotional wreck because the first woman I date after recovering from my life implosion was a player. I decided that it would be a good idea to jump back on the horse.

Was it a good idea? I think so. Most women are not going to get a kick out of hurting a guy. More guys are scummy that way than women are. Have I led a woman on this way before? Deliberately hurt her on an emotionally pivotal day?  Not that I know of, but, I have done my share of scummy things.

The difference between breaking up with someone you care about, even a bad break up, and getting played is the difference between climbing off a horse and getting thrown.

You can fall on your ass getting your boot caught in a stirrup and not be frightened by the thought of riding again.

Let that horse throw you though, and the longer you take to climb back up in the saddle the harder that climb becomes.  Or does it?

My great grandfather forced my grandfather to climb back up on a horse after he was thrown, even though he had a broken arm. Then my great grandfather went and got a camera (this is about 1907) to take a picture of my 8 year old grandfather on the horse. I remember seeing the picture and thinking how big the horse looked under the little child. I remember thinking how that little child was my grandfather, and I remember thinking how big a bully my great grandfather had to have been to frighten my grandfather more than being frightened of the horse.

I was glad I didn't know my great grandfather.

Still, I thought a lot about that picture and I swallowed down that feeling that it was too soon and I went out with a woman tonight. And it was pretty good. Not great, but, okay. No bully forcing me, just a determination that the woman who enjoyed hurting me wasn't going to destroy my ability to enjoy the company of women. Just a determination that a horse throwing me wasn't going to stop me from riding. I didn't need to get right back on the horse, it has been over a month.

I think my grandfather had the same kind of balls. I think he could have waited until his arm healed to get back up on the horse, and I would bet he would have.

When I was a kid my father used to beat me for “playing” with his books when I read his old text books. It just made me more determined to read them.

This woman who played me has made me more determined to heal, physically and emotionally. Heal from the grief. Heal from the loss. Adapt. Overcome.

I think my grandfather was a better man than I am, I think he would have acted similarly with the horse. I think my grandfather would have been even more determined to ride that stupid horse after he had spent time healing. My grandfather hated horses after the experience my great grandfather put him through. I love books. I love women. No one forced me to deal with them after my “beating”, the “beating” just made me more determined.

Maybe that is the secret to my success at doing the impossible. Failure, in some ways, just makes me more determined to succeed.  Any which way, I'm back in the saddle again :-)

Anger, scale and Christ

Well, the other night some guy tried to get tough with me.  I don't have a "moderate" switch, I am either "on" or "off".

I took my daughter to a movie last Friday (March 14th).  She is pregnant.  We were leaving and some guy walked into me.  Then he tried walking right up against me and staring me down.  He was bigger than I am, which is saying something because I run 6'2" and 250lbs.  At first I tried to ignore him, but, he wouldn't let up so finally I asked him if he had a problem.  He told me I walked into him, I told him he had walked into me.  He tried being a little tough and I laughed at him, said something like, "do you think you're a tough guy?  I will fuck you up."  He asked if I wanted to go outside, but, he had scared eyes.  A lot of big guys are like that.  They expect people to back down.  I told him, damn right Mother Fucker and turned my back on him.

That is always the most dangerous moment.  Even though the guy had scared eyes when you turn your back they think they have an advantage.  I was listening for that heavy ass foot fall that would tell me he was charging so I could do a shoulder roll (Imagine Will Farrel in Land of the Lost) to the right, but, didn't expect anything and nothing happened.  Besides, my daughter was behind me and would have shouted a warning.

He didn't follow me out the back door.

Now, you would think that since it has been, almost, ten years since the last time I got into a fight and got tossed in jail I would have mellowed out.  Nope, that old violent streak came right back.  I was seriously disappointed.

My daughter asked me what happened, she called me childish and asked why I wanted to hurt the guy.  I explained that it just would have been enjoyable, like eating a candy bar.  You know it's bad for you, but, sometimes you just go ahead and scarf one down.

I didn't raise my daughter the way I was raised so the comparison didn't make sense to her.  To her there is a difference of scale between hurting people and eating a candy bar.  Both are bad, but, one is much worse than the other.  I didn't see her point.

I'm a Christian so any sin makes me a sinner and any sin separates me from Christ.  Christ made himself a weapon and attacked people in the temple.  There is a time and place for kicking ass.  Did I sin?  That's between Christ and I.  You are welcome to judge me, people judge.  To me there is no difference in scale between sins and not everything people think is wrong is a sin.

The Bible tells us not to kill, yet David who killed 10,000's was beloved of God and a man after God's own heart.

Truthfully, we are not wise enough to understand God's word and what a sin is.  Only through the Holy Ghost can people know what is and is not a sin.  But, people judge and they are going to judge and they are going to believe whatever they believe unless they submit their understanding to the Holy Ghost.

Of course, we end up in jail regardless of sin when the system judges me :-)

Violent abusers, pseudo-christians and stupid people

I was talking with a woman the other day and she told me that if there is a problem, I should confront it immediately.  That made me laugh.

My father was a piece of work.  When I was 6 he told me I wasn't his child because I didn't have a chin dimple.  He was always angry and frustrated with me and he hit me regularly.  As a child there was never any way to avoid being hit, no place I could hide and I couldn't out run him.  As I got older he stopped because I got bigger than he was.  He hated me my whole life and when he died I received nothing.

My mother was an alcoholic who actually rewarded me after my father punished me.  Essentially I was "Pavlov's dog"

Jumping around a bit?  No.

Children learn from their parents.  My father taught me to always react, to pretty much any situation, with anger and frustration and to hit people.  School taught me differently so I grew up without any real foundation in behavior.  I was always going to be punished so nothing was either good or bad.  What I learned is that since there aren't any real rules, whatever I could get away with was okay.  As I got older I got away with more and more.  It really isn't hard to get away with anything.

These days I rarely confront poor behavior immediately, because if I did I might confront it violently.  I'll just shut down and confront it when I am sure I can confront it without killing someone.  This means people often treat me like a door mat, and I would rather be a door mat than hurt people any more.  It is a Christian thing.....

Christianity is like that.  My childhood taught me a lot about relative morality and hypocrisy.

Christ tells us to witness the Good News of the forgiveness of Sin through Christ, whose sacrifice on the cross made salvation available to anyone who accepts the gift.

But, what do pseudo-christians witness?  The forgiveness of sin?  No, they witness their understanding of the LAW from which we have been released.  Pseudo-christians witness Creation, abortion, homosexuality, anything which can distract people from the Good News of Forgiveness.

The Bible is a good tool for learning how to live, when the Holy Spirit guides us in our study.

The Bible does not, in any way, give anyone authority to tell anyone else how they should live.

Christ tells us Christians should be servants.  Do servants have the authority to tell anyone how to live?  How to behave?  What to do?

Of course not.  Masters tell people what to do.

Very occasionally a trusted and beloved servant may get away with some critique of their master's behavior.  Occasionally.

So why do so many Christian's think the Bible gives them the authority to become the masters, giving orders which must be obeyed and criticizing everyone else's behavior?

Satan of course.  What better way to disrupt the Good News of Forgiveness than by convincing people that they must force others to follow a Law from which Christ released us?

The greatest sin, the unforgivable sin, is to witness along side the Holy Ghost.   The Greek word that is translated to "against" actually means "along side", as in "against the wall".  By convincing pseudo-christians to witness "along side" the Good News by constantly berating people about the Law, Satan drives "believers" into hell and "unbelievers" into hell.

Satan has a great plan and Satan is executing it brilliantly.  Twist the Good News spread by pseudo-believers into Criticism, Humiliation and Ridicule and enforcement of a Law from which we have been released.  That sends the Pseduo-believers to hell.  The pseudo-believers drive the unbelievers away from Christ and so the unbelievers end up in hell.

In the meantime guys like me, who refuse to follow the pseudo-christians, who insist on applying the Bible to themselves and not to others, who talk about Forgiveness and Love and who rebuke pseudo-christians, are berated and called blasphemers.

Could Satan have a more perfect plan?

Stupid dreams and passivity

So a little over a month ago this woman I was dating dumped me.

Last night I had a dream where she was telling someone that our breaking up was "mutual", and that "something" was the worst mistake she had made.  I'm not sure, but, I think she meant that dating me was a mistake.  Now what interpretation of subconscious crap can I make of that?

The emotional roller coaster has been tons better since I quit taking the clomid, so I can't blame the dream on that.  I still get dewey eyed when I think about my late wife or my son, but, I'm not breaking out crying at weird times when they come to mind any more.

So why, a month later, am I still having dreams about a woman who lied to me about her feelings for me, to set me up, treat me badly on a day I am having a difficult emotional time anyway and then dump me the next day, just so I can add more crap memories to a bad day.  I mean, I totally get that I was falling for her, but, I knew she was lying and I knew she was going to dump me (okay, I didn't guess she would wait for a pivotal emotional day).  Why am I still dreaming about her?  Especially weird dreams like "it was mutual", where the hell would that come from?

I don't want her back, sure, I want her and I do love her, but, I know that love is not and will not ever be returned and the only reason she would ever try to get back with me is to hurt me again.  The love is all one sided and she is just added to a short list of women I have been in love with and broken up with.  So why dream about something so weird?

Probably this woman would like nothing better than to make me feel so miserable I committed suicide, as if my personal belief structures would allow for such a thing.  In any case, her primary motivation seems to have been to hurt me, emotionally, as much as was possible.  Targeting me at a time I was particularly emotionally vulnerable and deliberately maximizing the pain on my dead son's birthday, and the day after.  Blatantly continuing the lie even when I caught her lying red handed.  I'd need self esteem lower than a snakes belly to even try and believe her crap.

So why the dream?  I've always postulated the existence of a kind of energy field that connects all living things.  Our thoughts are electro magnetic and exist outside of our heads, they can be picked up using Brain Computer Interfaces with super conductors.  All of our thoughts are constantly being contributed to this huge interconnecting energy field and I think that sometimes we can access ideas, thoughts, emotions.  I doubt if this weird dream is something associated with anything like that, but, I suppose it is possible.

I think it is more likely that this is based on some sub conscious feeling I am having.  I keep telling myself I should have broken up with her on Christmas day.  I spent Christmas eve with her and she was sweaty and tasted like another guy's cologne.  We didn't have sex or anything, we just hung out and made out for a bit.  Maybe this is just me, trying to convince myself that I took an active position instead of being so fricking, lamely, passive.

I'm pretty easy going these days.  I don't like conflict and I try to avoid it, but, not to hard.  If pushed I can become violent in some situations.  As a result I try to avoid conflict and confrontation.  I'd rather be passive and non-violent than hurt people any more, but, maybe, my sub-conscious is telling me that it has been so long, 2004, since I have been in a physical altercation, that I am ready to be more assertive without becoming violent.  10 years is the longest I have gone, ever, without being in a fight, and the longest I have gone since I was 16 without getting tossed in jail.

I'm told a life style change that goes on for 5 years is probably permanent so maybe this not being violent, not getting tossed in jail is a permanent life style change.  Maybe I can be comfortable with being more assertive now, maybe I won't transition into violence any more.  Truthfully, I would rather be a door mat than kill someone, but, maybe, what my sub-conscious is telling me is that there is a middle ground that I am ready to try walking.

I'll work on that, being more assertive without letting myself become violent.  Maybe I am ready to be that guy these days.  If I have a choice though, I'd rather be a door mat than become a violent asshole again.

medications and being emotional

So I had this ridiculous dating fiasco.  This isn't about that as much as it is about medications and how they affect us, but, I think the dating fiasco influenced my meds.....

My primary care doctor sent me to an endocrinologist.  They checked me over, my blood sugar is high so they sent me to a nurse practitioner who specializes in diabetes management.  I really liked her so I made a pass and got her phone number.  (Score one for the big guy, NOT)

That is the only medical appointment I had with her and she prescribed a medication called "clomid" to boost my testosterone and change the way my endocrine system was working.

Yeah, I've been wondering why I felt so wacked.  "clomid" is used to treat infertility in women and it messes with hormones and emotions like .....she did.

I quit taking the stuff this morning.  Hopefully in a week or so I will be back to normal.  This stuff can cause depression, so taking this med on top of the grief I have been dealing with has probably been a bad idea.

In addition one of the more common side effects is bloating and since I am now prone to congestive heart failure this medicine was probably a bad choice for me.

The other medication she prescribed, for my diabetes, I am going to continue to take.

It makes me wonder, did this woman prescribe a medication she knew would mess with my emotional health on purpose or by accident?  Did she totally blow it off when I discussed my grief issues with her?

In any case, I am, once again, amazed at my own ignorance.  I should have figured out my change in mood, the intense feelings of grief, these last two months, could have been caused by the new medications.  I stupidly put my faith in a medical professional that I know now is wacked.

On another, similar, note, when I created that profile on the dating website "ms I love you but I have to dump you because you made a single snide remark" was using, a woman who works in my primary care physicians office sent me a message, which I ignored, and she has been dicking me around on appointments.  Just my luck, attract a vindictive woman while I am breaking up with a nut.

So what did this big guy learn from this mess?
1: Don't date if your head isn't clear from the past.
2: Pay more attention to your meds, John Boy.

Oh well, serves me right for trying to date before I get my head out of this grief crap.  It will be a while before I actually try and date again and I will pay more attention to my meds.  In the mean time, I think I will try boosting my testosterone the old fashioned way, pumping iron.

There is no better way to get something off your chest than actually pushing something off your chest.