Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Lost Love and Making Life Better

So here it is in February and I know I made the best decision in my life not allowing the woman I was dating to spend the anniversary of my son's death with me.  (last blog back in Dec '13, http://jdayer.blogspot.com/2013/12/dealing-with-shit-and-love.html ) She broke up with me the day after my dead son's birthday.

Dealing with emotional crap is difficult, but, not dealing with it is even worse.  I made a bad choice dating her, but, that ends up being a good choice for me because I always learn more from the worst mistakes than I do from the minor ones.  Lets just say that this was an awesome lesson and I am really thankful that I learned it.

She wasn't being honest with me.  She was surfing a dating site while she was dating me and she was constantly breaking dates.  She was rarely available on a Friday or a Saturday and never on both in a row.  She had specifically told me that she had used this dating site and had hidden her profile because she considered me her exclusive boyfriend and she told me that she loved me.

Okay, after about 4 broken dates I checked the site and there was her profile and a message saying the last time she was on was that day.  This was about 3 weeks before she dumped me.  It isn't like I am a jealous guy, we only dated a couple months.  The fact that I never asked her to be exclusive to me and then she lied about it bugged the crap out of me though.

I don't confront people, never tell people what you know.  This is a "God Father" piece of wisdom I have believed for a long time.  Drag out the DVD, Brando tells James Cann, "never tell anyone outside the family what you are thinking!"

Anyhow, I tried to work stuff out, but, when she dumped me I confronted her.  She lied her ass off, of course.  I told her she made the right choice in breaking up with me.  I meant that and mean it today.  I messaged the crap out of her using that dating site, after blocking her so she couldn't reply.  She could have blocked me, or uninstalled the app from her phone, but, she didn't.  I figured it was the best way to make sure she never tried to work things out with me.  Sure, I had her phone number (I deleted it off my phone, but, bills are often handy for something :-) and I am sure I could track down her e-mail, but, why?  I just focused on the thing she lied about and used to cheat on me with.

Before I blocked her from sending me messages she actually tried to tell me that she still loved me and the only reason she broke up with me was because I made a snide remark when she broke date number 8, a Saturday night.  Can you imagine loving someone and then dumping them because they made a single snide remark?  Yeah, me neither.

I am enormously glad I didn't have intercourse with her.  Okay, so we did just about everything but have intercourse.  There is something really hot about watching a woman on her knees in a mirror......anyway, probably went a little too far there.  I should have kept my pants on.  I think my refusal to have actual intercourse probably contributed to her dumping me, and that is a good thing.  Still, one night we spent about 4 hours doing nothing but "foreplay" and that was amazingly fun.  I will do that again if I can find another woman willing to spend 4 hours teasing each other to death.

It was an amazing learning experience and I think my vulnerability around this time of year really made it important to me.  As weird as this sounds, it makes me want to be more open to being hurt rather than more closed off.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was to stop depending on my own judgment about women.  I know I can't trust myself anymore.  I am going to focus on depending on God.  Terrific lesson to learn.  And FYI, the word fornication in the New Testament is translated from the word Pornia, which is the root word for Pornography and at the time the New Testament was written actually meant Temple Prostitution.  Where the New Testament tells us not to fornicate it is actually telling us not to engage in pagan fertility rites.  I guarantee I am not engaging in any sexually oriented worship to pagan gods.

Really, the only reason I didn't have actual intercourse is because I didn't want that close an emotional attachment with someone I thought I was probably going to break up with.

I think God guided my choice not to spend the anniversary of my son's death with her.  I know I prayed a lot about it and I know I made the right choice.

In the end, pain is a great teacher and to be a great student I think we need to be as open to being hurt as we can be.

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