Saturday, December 28, 2013

Dealing with shit and love

So I started dating this one woman and I have been talking to a long time friend at the same time, dealing with Christmas and the anniversary of my son's death (12-29) and realizing that there is so much shit in my life that I have packed down and never dealt with I really don't know how to handle it all.

I recently read this book called "The Lover" by Marguerite Duras.  This woman has an incredibly raw style of writing that leads the reader through all of their own emotions.  Great book.  Between this woman I am dating and this book by Duras I have been dredging up all the shit in my life and really addressing it emotionally rather than packing it away.

This woman wanted to spend the anniversary of my son's death with me.  This time of year is usually really difficult for me, and this year because I am forcing my self to deal with the raw emotions it is particularly difficult.  I know next year will be the first December I have enjoyed since 1999.

Last night it occurred to me that next year this woman I am dating might not be with me.  That would be bad because I am falling in love with her and if I spend the 29th with her this year and she is not there next year the emotional crash would be terrible.  Sounds really pussy huh?

Emotional shit can be difficult to deal with so, in the past, I really have not dealt with it.  To go forward I really need to go back and clean up that shit and I have to do it by myself.  Truthfully, depending on her this 12-29 would be the pussy move.

I think I hurt her when I told her, but, we will deal with that or not.  I hope we stay together, but, I have recovered from lost love before and I will probably have to again.

I think the next couple of months are going to be really big to me.  Dredging up shit recycling it into something useful rather than packing it down to build my life on a foundation of ignored, hard pack emotional shit.

Will she have the patience?  The strength?

I know my old friend does.  She rocks and she will talk to me when I need it.  I think I am going to spend a lot of time writing about this stuff, and some time talking.  We will see.

In the end though, I guess what I am saying is that we all shit and we all have to deal with that shit one way or another.  Emotional healing is the worst, the messiest and dealing with it has the most benefit.

So here I am, getting better every day, hoping that as I change, this time, I can keep some of the people I love in my life.

No comments: